Monday, January 21, 2019

American Idol: Season 8 Premier

Posted by admin On January - 13 - 2009

-A.S. The fourth judge, Kara DioGuardi (below), isn’t the only new thing this year with American Idol. For the first time ever, the Festival Crashers will be a part of the madness. Also new is less train wrecks in the auditions. I think that is a mistake, but I guess that’s more ugly aftermath of Paula Abdul’s super fan/stalker gone suicidal.I’ve always enjoyed trying to pick the winner within the first few episodes, and actually picked Jordin Sparks, winner of season 6, on her first performance. I think it will turn into a nice little competition between Zack and I. My hope is that we will see somebody come through that makes John Lennon roll over in his grave to hide the boner their awe inspiring performances give him.

The Season Premiere Running Diary

6:49 p.m. ~Z.T.~ Over-under on how many times Randy says “dog” this episode: 4
6:55 p.m. ~Z.T.~ Andy suggests we have a sandwich, but I’m worried we’ll get sloppy.
7:01 ~Z.T.~ A lot of people cry in this show, apparently. Seriously. Does everyone cry all the time? This. This. This. This is Seacrest!
7:03 -A.S. The video of screaming/crying girls when David Cook was announced the winner is priceless. I can only hope Zack is taking Idol that seriously by the end of this season. ~Z.T.~ Not gonna happen.
7:10 ~Z.T.~ So many unnecessary montages. We get it. You went all over the country. One of the singers’ clever song: “Oh Phoenix, you’re very hot. I’m not kidding, you’re very hot.” Wow.
7:13 -A.S. What’s more likely: the new judge can’t work with Simon or she bones him? Future Zack: Most likely is that she’ll start cat fights with any singer hotter than her.
7:14 ~Z.T.~ The vietnamese fro guy! That’s the worst robot ever, Twan. Not the worst MJ though. Andy thinks it sucks. Oh, no. He’s tap dancing. He lost it. And it’s over. Train. Wreck. Stop.
7:16 -A.S. Twan (below) does some dance that is a combination of the robot and a toy soldier. Gotta love it when a contestant mistakes the judges’ laughing at them for them enjoying their performance. That doesn’t get old.7:17 ~Z.T.~ The saddest noise in the world is walking away dejectedly in tap shoes.
7:18 -A.S. I thought professional musicians couldn’t participate, but it looks to me like Pink (below?) is singling “Barracuda.” I didn’t love her voice, but the judges seem to like her for being different. If by different they mean the token rocker they keep on way too long.7:25 ~Z.T.~ This guy is crying before he even sings. I see an epic fail coming.
7:26 ~Z.T.~ Called it. Why is he holding “luck” for like 3 extra beats. Is he allergic to timing? Just leave. Oh no. He’s crying again.
7:28 -A.S. Every time a dude dressed as a rocker lets you see his lip quivering, David Crosby needs another new organ.
7:29 ~Z.T.~ “I have no more tears” he says. Annnd he’s crying like five seconds later. The next year of his life: “Hey, aren’t you the guy who cried four times on ‘American Idol’? Wait, are you still crying? Seriously, man. Stop.”
7:31 -A.S. Finally somebody who can sing. J.B. has a nice voice, but he cried too. I’m starting to think that American Idol is going to be the downfall of rock and roll. Jordin Sparks promotes promise rings to support abstinence and their contestants keep crying.
7:34 -A.S. I don’t know what was more painful, hearing Michael Gurr or seeing the faces he was making while he sang.
7:36 ~Z.T.~ So far we haven’t seen anyone who has a chance at winning. Also, I think Randy is over saying “dog.”
7:40 -A.S. The dude singing Tears for Fears sounds like Betty Boop. Will somebody please give him his testicles back?7:41 ~Z.T.~ This X-Ray character (above) has way too much blow in his system. Oh. Oh Oh Oh. OK stop.
7:43 ~Z.T.~ What’s better: Seacrest’s bad puns or when the contestants won’t leave after Simon tells them to?
7:44 -A.S. Arianna Afsar has got a set of pipes, and is belting out Corrine Baily Rae. Digging her, as I’m sure Wooderson next to me is too. Allllllright.
7:53 -A.S. They’re letting James Earl Jones try out for American Idol? Elijah should have sung “Old Man River,” because that was terrible.
7:56 ~Z.T.~ “I can spin, I can twirl.” I can throw up.
7:56 -A.S. Paula may have put the kibosh on stalkers, but I think they’re hazing the new judge with Lea Marie (right), self proclaimed Kara DioGuardi super-fan.
7:58 ~Z.T.~ This 16 year-old girl with the pink cowboy hat has the most nasal voice this side of Bill Simmons. She should ask for her songbook back.
8:00 -A.S. Stevie Wright has got “At Last” down, and I’m thinking just that. It’s about time we’ve seen somebody capable of winning this competition.
8:02 ~Z.T.~ She’s got some pipes on her for sure. She’s soft, but she’s the first legit contender.
8:10 ~Z.T. Randy “dog” count: 1
8:14 ~Z.T.~ Bikini girl just gave Simon wood.
8:18 ~A.S.~ Mad props to the cameraman for showing so many shots of Bikini Girl’s ass. She’s stirring it up with Cara. CATFIGHT!
8:19 ~Z.T.~ That girl made it 100% on her ass. And she’s going for Seacrest. Oh, it’s on.
8:25 ~Z.T.~ “Simeeee!” ‘Killing me Softly” is just killing me.
8:27 -A.S. Simeee girl will definitely kill me hardly if she keeps up with that Mary J. Blige note milking. Guhhhh.
8:33 -A.S. Needed a sandwich to get through the rest of this. Chicken salad with grapes and pecans. Yum.
8:37 -A.S. Cody looks emo. An emo girl, actually. Pretty surprised he can actually sing though and the judges agree. Is this the season of emo? I sure hope not.
8:42 ~Z.T.~ Every season is emo season, Andy. A bunch of cry babies.
8:44 ~Z.T.~ This nerdy Alex kid who “came out of the closet” is pretty good, even if he has scared owl eyes.
8:46 -A.S. Alex may have been miffed by Simon’s in the closet joke. Good comeback with “I could sing “God Save the Queen” though. This season’s Sanjaya? If he keeps up with the British jokes, I hope he stays.
8:49 ~Z.T.~ “I’m a cowboy, dead or alive.” Dead. Please stay dead.
8:50 ~Z.T.~ You just know this blind guy is going to be amazing. It’s unfortunate, because we could talk as much as we want about how he sucks and he’d never read it.
8:56 -A.S. I just learned something. Not all blind musicians do the head swaying back and forth thing.
8:57 ~Z.T.~ Seacrest- Don’t high five a blind dude. Seriously. Not cool.
9:00 It’s over. Thank god. We may be back tomorrow. I mean, Andy will. I’m the Wildcard.

2 Responses

  1. Matt Said,

    You guys should blog in brail!

    Posted on January 13th, 2009 at 9:26 pm

  2. Brittany Said,

    also, wtf, they thought the guy was smart just because he knew the names of three countries that weren’t USA, England and Canada. Sad state we’re in if that qualifies you as smart now!

    Posted on January 14th, 2009 at 11:40 am

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