Tuesday, October 17, 2017

The Action Wipes Dirty Contest Winners: Extended Version

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Posted by teibs On February - 16 - 2009

paul1Wow. I thought I knew you guys. Then this happened. This wasn’t our best contest in terms of entries, but those of you that entered really showed me something. You’re sick. I love you for it. The top two stories got that distinction because they managed to combine literally being dirty with a sexual act. Bravo on that. This is the full length extended edition. Thanks for your attention. Here they are, from least dirty, to filthy beyond what I ever imagined when I came up with this contest.

Winners- Please e-mail me your address to Zack@festivalcrashers.com and we’ll send our your 15-pack of Action Wipes. Here they are:

Winner #5 Jennifer Caslin-“So I’m the promotions director at a group of six radio stations. I was in my prize closet one day and we have various things in it like t-shirts, drinks for live broadcasts, beer that we give away on our alternative rock station (which is in a glass quart size growler).

Anyway the closet is either extremely hot or extremely cold. On this day it was boiling and the door had been shut and locked all night. I was in there organizing and such and all of a sudden one of the growlers explodes all over me and I was wearing nice business casual clothes. Well the growler exploding must have set something off because after that exploded, a soda (cola) exploded on me.
So there I was at the beginning of the day with brown stains all over my clothes, sticky, and stinking of beer.”

She definitely could have used Action Wipes then. Click here for 15% off. Use code: Crasher

Winner #4 Jason “the guy who’s getting married on Bonnaroo” Boyd’s story about a weekend trip to Kalamazoo, Michigan for Halloween:

…Zack, Patrick and I end up sleeping on the couches in the living room. At this point I should probably mention how insanely gross this house was. First off, it was about 200 years old, had holes in every wall, and looked like it hadn’t been cleaned since, well, ever. I distinctly remember seeing that someone had ripped the thermostat off the wall and it was just hanging on the wall by the cords, and thinking that was the least fucked up thing about this disaster house. So Friday night, we end up sleeping on the bodily fluid & beer sponges in the living room people kept referring to as “couches.

I could have easily put up the picture of us in the costumes we wore that night, but I used that for the reason I’m going to Jason’s wedding post and found this one instead. How lifted do I look? I miss Mr. Miagi.

We wake up the next morning, groggy, gross and freezing cold, but still ready for that night’s Halloween party. I figured this would be a good time for a shower, but that wasn’t in the cards. Considering that we didn’t know where the 1 shower was in the house, and there were approximately 27 people sleeping in the house that night, I just had to let it go. I figured that I could at least brush my teeth, but no, my bag was in Bryn’s car (locked of course), and Bryn was no were to be found. Several phone calls later we finally got a hold of him, but then it was time for lunch. After lunch and some costume shopping it was time for more partying, still without showering or brushing. The same sleeping arrangements were in order for Saturday night, which left me on Sunday morning feeling completely disgusting. Same underwear/clothes, no showering, no teeth brushing for over 48 hours. (Editor’s note: I’d like to add that on Saturday night, you spilled Burger King drive-thru on your self and passed out in the car until a cop woke you up. We then drove home Sunday, still without getting to shower.)

I would have loved a pack of Action Wipes that weekend. Click here for 15% off. Use code: Crasher

Winner #3 goes by The Dankness:

“I ate a girl out while she was on her period, twice, in one night. That dirty enough??” Yes, yes it is dirty enough. I won’t even explain why he went back for seconds. No amount of Action Wipes could have helped him.
Relax, relax. They’re just muffins.

Winner #2 asked to remain nameless:

“I was at a semi-formal for my sorority and my date and I decided to go for a walk. I was in my finest little black dress and we decided to scoot into a shadow (which also happened to be on a patch of freshly sprinklered grass) and he somehow convinces me to go down on him (it probably wasn’t that hard… to convince me that is) So there I was was squatting in the grass in my finest when I slipped and fell backwards into the mud. To add insult to injury, a security guard shined his bright-ass light to find my date with his dick hanging out and me lying in the mud in my dress. He zips up, I get up, walk back to the party covered in mud, escorted by the security guard, and then the security guard notices his flask sticking out of his pocket. We get escorted out in front of my whole sorority, covered in mud. I still got laid though…

Action Wipes would have helped the mudd at least: Click here for 15% off. Use code: Crasher

Winner #1 Paul Brisske0 Festival Crashers Beta Class

At this point I’d like to give our #1 story teller his proper due. The man is a festival legend in the making. He and I joined forces at Rothbury, but at 10KLF we were on another realm for the Flaming Lips/Kinetix shows. Also, there’s apparently a video of this: Paul (in yellow) snuck onto stage at MSTRKRFT

OK here it is. I feel obligated to warn you that if you find stories about masterbation and taking a deuce offensive, you really shouldn’t read this one. It’s hard to take.

“Before I begin my tale of narst, I must remind you all that I suffer from a relatively Horrible case of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Technically, the IBS diet is strictly limited to either bread or wheat bread. When I was first diagnosed with this disease, I couldn’t keep up with the strict IBS diet so I created my own, the Fuck-it-I’ll-eat-what-I-want diet. Naturally this comes with ramifications… In the early days of experimenting with this diet, daily I was faced with the difficult decision either to starve, or to squish out the absolute worst reproduction of steamy, wet soft serve ice cream that has or ever will exist within this cesspool of filth that we call life. Usually I was forced to choose the latter, as starvation would surely hold me back much more than diahrrea. But there is one day I can remember where if I could do it all again, I would have chosen starvation…

I nervously laid on my bed, mentally reminiscing my latest meal from the Fuck-it-I’ll-eat-what-I-want diet. After gorging ourselves with about four pounds of mixed nuts, my family and I dined on thick, buttery mash potatoes which perfectly complimented fourteen ounces of a blood dripping, bleu cheese covered piece of meat. For dessert we had milky white ice cream smothered in melted fudge. Being the food lover that I am, I couldn’t help but become slightly aroused by the memories churning in my stomach. I began to fall into a deep sleep and one hell of a wet dream. Mashed potatoes with pussy and a pumpkin pie topped with whipped falatio.

However, it wasn’t long before the IBS began to fight back, filling my stomach with gas and liquifying my shit while at the same time totally softening my boner. My wet dream was put on pause for the moment. The gas continued to inflate my abdomen til it felt like it was going to burst. Something had to give. I tried some kind of mental zen thinking to relax my asshole. I was relieved to feel the gas heading towards my rectal canal but was quickly horrified to feel the zesty wet shit that was directly following. Everything got slow for a moment. A shart was in the making. My once zenned out asshole was now clenched tighter than it was the day I was born. I kicked open my bedroom door and with my hands squeezing my cheeks (every little bit helps) and I rushed to the bathroom. I sat down to experience what can only be described as what you get if you were to collect all of your shit for a week, boiled it in tobasco sauce and cheep liquor, and then fermented that in rotten eggs and old dead fish. And it all came out in completely liquid form, like I was peeing out of my ass.

I felt faint, so faint in fact, that my wet dream was beginning to return. My center torso became pale, as the blood in my body was pushed in seperate directions, erectifying my dick and drowning my brain. Looking for relief of any kind, shamefulley I started to masturbate as the Niagra Falls continued to drain itself through my sweaty red ass. I didn’t even need lubrication because my entire body was so sweaty. I’m pressure I had a fever. Nonetheless, my pathetic perversion continued. I had worked out most of the liquidy shit, and things were starting get a little thicker. I had to use every muscle in my being to continue both beating my meat and pushing out the now rather thick phesies.

It was almost as if the harder I tugged, the more I could shit. But I felt something within the depths of my stomach, something very very thick. I wondered to myself if I eaten rocks for dinner. But nay, it was the four pounds of mixed nuts. I knew in order to work through this I would really have to apply myself. My right hand went into turbo. The four pounds began to make their way to the light at the end of the tunnel. Relentlessly I choked and choked and choked my chicken until its head was about to fall off. It was coming. I continued. Beating, and beating, and beating I could now feel both the jizz and the nuts on the brink of their arrival. I was about to eject from myself two very different concepts. This was it. In the last and final moment of tiresome, feverish masturbation everything went blurry in my family bathroom and then in an instant became crystal clear as I busted THE best, dirtiest, hottest and most pathetic nut of my entire life. My splooge was creamy white and my shit was the size of a baseball and equally dense. Thirteen minutes later I came to.

While unrolling my eyes and still desperately searching for my breath, I seriously contemplated suicide for the first time. I didn’t sleep that night. I laid in bed, shivering in a cold sweat. I could barely walk for the next three days and I had to live with this horrifying secret for the rest of my days, until of course now. Since that tragic night, I can’t get aroused without having to shit and I cry just a little bit. I am still on the Fuck-it-I’ll-eat-what-I-want diet, excluding nuts.”

I’ve always wanted to do this: Yupp, these are our readers.

4 Responses

  1. Anonymous Said,

    the winning story is going to give me nightmares for at least a week.

    Posted on February 17th, 2009 at 1:47 am

  2. Sleazy Ain't Easy Said,

    Wow on that last one. Just…wow.

    Posted on February 17th, 2009 at 2:36 am

  3. Anonymous Said,

    I just read the #1 story winner while sitting in class and couldn’t help busting out laughing. Hilarious!

    Posted on February 17th, 2009 at 9:41 am

  4. Festival Crashers » Blog Archive » Festival Crashers 1,000th Post Said,

    […] Action Wipes Dirty Contest Winners: Paul- wow. Just wow. This is truly disgusting. […]

    Posted on January 21st, 2010 at 12:10 am

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