Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Flight of the Conchords roll call

Posted by teibs On May - 8 - 2009

fotccast@ZackTeibloom Laura did such a spot-on job with her Flight of the Conchords review that I had to talk to the Conchords, their manager and biggest fan to see what they thought of the show.


OK. Band meeting. Murray Hewitt speaking. Well, first off we had perfect attendance. Both Bret and Jermaine were present. As a bonus, we had a bit of a crowd there, too. Not just Mel. As many as three dozen people were there. I hear they even stuck around for two encores, yeah? I wasn’t there, 30 Rock was on, but I had Mel record it for me. It looked like at least three dozen attendees. New record for the Conchords! Let’s put that on the big chart.

Those lights were pretty rock ‘n’ roll, eh? You were looking out at the stars during “Jenny” and I had to look outside to see if the stars were really that bright. But when you came out for the second song and Jermaine said, “Weren’t those robots good?” I was like, “Wait a tick. I thought that was Bret and Jermaine in those suits.”

murrayConchords, I need let me know if you’re going to be incorporating magic from now on. I’ll get rabbits. Nigel, the lone remaining member of the New Zealand orchestra, represented the homeland well, but I wish we still had the dancing guy in the corner. Doug has expressed interest in doing it for free, but Mel seemed to be upset about that.

One point of serious business, guys. The panty bit was a bit racy. The ladies may throw their garments on stage, but you can’t be demanding panties like some kind of Aussie frilly boy, eh? Jermaine- totally uncalled for. What will people think? That the Conchords are some kind of perverts, that’s what. Let’s just quote-unquote “rock it out” as they say and cut the panty talk.


Bret and Jermaine:

bretJ: If Murray’s not even going to come to our shows, then maybe we shouldn’t do them at all.

B: I wouldn’t go that far, but how many years in a row can we play “Jenny?”It’s been at least three already.

J: We had new songs, Bret. We had that one about how we both love the same girl and “Too Many Dicks.” Those are pretty new.

B: Yeah, but aside from a couple clever innuendo bits in the “Too Many Dicks” song, I dunno.

J: You didn’t think “The Bus Driver song” and “Ballad of Stana” went over well?

B: Nah. Even Mel was tweeting during those.

J: The banter was still good.

B: Banter’s always good. That bit where you wanted to go into the audience and sit in the empty first row seats.

J: And then you asked the people behind the empty seats if they bought those seats so they’d have a better view.

B: Yeah?

J: Hilarious.

B: Thanks mate. I feel you. So, Banter’s good and like Murray said, lights were pretty rock ‘n’ roll.

J: Sure. We’re still rock ‘n’ roll, too. It’s a good show.

B: So, next tour, what are we doing differently?

J: Take a little time off to write songs. Writing three a week and putting on the show was a bit much, no?

B: Way too much. Should we try to stick to a theme? Maybe a whole album of robot songs? Those always work well.

J: That’s a plan. We should also lose the “we’re rappers” bit, huh?

B: Yeah. It’s played.

J: The mention of Steve always gets a laugh, but our lyrics aren’t really that bottomless.

B: We’re running out of lyrics almost as fast as I’m running out of animal print sweatshirts.

J: I think Mel was stealing them for a quilt.


Oh, hello there. So, you want me to talk about the Conchords? Done and done and yes, please. Something about tonights performance made me picture Jermaine napping in my lap while Brett nestles his fluffy head into the small of my shoulder blade, as I unbuttoned his shirt and bury my hand in his chesty carpet.

melIt’s like the boys seem like they’ve been on the road too much and they need me to pet them as they drift off so I can inspire them to write some new songs that aren’t boring. Not boring to me. I mean, I’d watch Bret floss. I do watch Bret floss, but I could tell the newer songs weren’t making the girls throw their panties on stage.

They told the ladies to take their shirts off and I was the only one who did. Jermaine said “Oh, a t-shirt with us on it. That’s exactly what I love to wear.” I knew he’d love it! I bet he sleeps in it tonight.

They still sound amazing and they’re as great as ever and so funny I could cry again, but I just wish they could sing in smaller places so I could be closer to them. I miss being able to smell their dinner on their clothes and see the sweat form on Jermaine’s glasses and imagine I was licking it off the frames. Now I can barely even tell which one is Bret is. It’s not that they sold out, The Conchords could never sell out in a bad way, but I mean they did sell out tickets.

And the crowd was as annoying as Doug playing the harp when I’m trying to listen to home recordings of The Conchords. They were yelling things like what songs to play and how it was business time and they wanted Albi the Racist Dragon and I was just like, “Is your name Bret or Jermaine? Oh, I thought not. Shoosh your face, Mr. Rude!”

Sugar Lumps was 100% the most special part of the entire enchanted evening. Most of the time the boys were sitting down and I couldn’t see their lumps at all and then they came right into the crowd and put their legs up on the arm rests and it was like, “Hello lumpy lumps. Mel’s here.” OMG and at the end they were wearing sexy costumes for the second encore and then we all rode a unicorn out together and Bret and Jermaine’s lips turned to pillows I get to sleep on forever. 18,000/10

Overall: 8.3/10

2 Responses

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