Sunday, November 19, 2017

The most Inglourious Basterds of all

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Posted by teibs On September - 1 - 2009

igb1@ZackTeibloom Tread lightly. You’re in the company of basterds. When I thought of this contest, I envisioned Iggy Pop and The Sex Pistols tearing each other’s nads off and throwing their heroin needles at each other as they vyed for the title of biggest Basterd of all. Hagel tried to say Matisyahu was the biggest basterd of all. Laughable. He might be the biggest jew rocker of all, but don’t call a Mench a Basterd. The Beastie Boys were nominated (also probably because they’re jewish) but c’mon. They couldn’t hold a menorah next to the flaming torches The Sex Pistols and Iggy Pop would use to start World War 3. If those basterds would even bother to show up.

The Worst Entry: (Submitted by Hagel) Matisyahu is the King of representing the Jewish Culture within the music world and killing Nazi’s on sight with his beats. Where else can you find Hasidic Jews bouncing around to reggae and jams like at a Matisyahu show? Check out this clip of the crazy jew doing a stage dive into the crowd.

matisyahu@ZackTeibloom Let me tell you first hand, Matisyahu is no Inglourious Basterd. He looks like a non-descript religious Jew. I know. Rothbury 2008. Friday afternoon. Andy and I had just finished a surprisingly successful interview with Elan of The Wailers (despite Andy’s initial fear of talking to him) and we’re wandering around in the media area.

I see a lanky, tall man with a full beard and wrap on his hea and think he’s in some reggae band. We make small talk for a couple minutes about shows we’ve seen that day and I walk away. Andy doesn’t say anything. We keep walking and see a Hassidic Jew a few feet over and Andy introduces himself to who we find out is Matisyahu’s manager.

We talk to him for a few minutes, I stupidly suggest that I interview Matis on Shabbat and we talk about scheduling an interview for another time. As we’re walking away from him, Andy says “You know you were talking to Matisyahu, right?” “That was his manager,” I say back. “No, no. The guy with the thing on his head and long hair.” Ohhhhhh.

Matisyahu is a Mench. He puts on a great show, I’ve enjoyed crowd surfing at his concerts. He’s no basterd. If you saw a real basterd in person, you’d notice. You wouldn’t feel comfortable. A basterd isn’t calm and collected and capable of civic conversation. Would a basterd pose for this picture?! Sorry, Hagel. Try again. Oh, wait. You did.

beasties#3. The Beastie Boys: (Submitted by Matt Beck)

The Beastie Boys play a group of bad-ass Jews in positions of authority in Spike Jonze’s 70’s crime-series throwback video, “Sabotage.” These bad-ass Jews are hardcore, vengeful motherfuckers who proceed to beat and kill the bad guys, strangely reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino’s group of Nazi killing Jews featured in his new movie, Inglorious Basterds (also a throwback) “Sabotage”
@ZackTeibloom I was thrilled to get this as a first entry. By any measure, The Beastie Boys are my favorite rap artists of all time. Most listened to, most times seen, I even do a half-decent Adam Horovitz impression if you catch me at the right time. From “Brass Monkey” to “Girls” to “No Sleep Til Brooklyn” to “Sure Shot” to “Body Movin,” “Intergalactic” and “Sabotage” they’re a hit making, hilarious lyrics-spewing crew who just wants desire to party. But let’s look at that demand to party for a second.
You think this song is bad-ass? You think it’s a party anthem a basterd would play with pride? I can kill that vision in one line. “You wake up late for school and you don’t wanna go. You ask your mom, ‘please!’ but she still says ‘no.'” A basterd doesn’t say please. They don’t say please to their mom. They aren’t in school. A basterd is selling crack to first graders and banging the principal’s wife. Come on!

This is how a basterd deals with people:

#2. Iggy Pop
(submitted by Matt Hagel) Iggy Pop (Real Last Name Osterberg) is not only Jewish but he is considered to be and innovator of Punk and Hard Rock, and he is the pioneer of the stage dive and crowd surfing.  Forget about The Bear Jew, Nazi’s better watch of for the “Iguana” Jew.  He inspires other Inglorious Bastards with other patented moves like rolling around in broken glass, exposing himself to the crowd and vomiting on stage. Talk about rock out with your cock out.
After self-mutilating himself he will tear those antisemitic bastards apart.  To be considered for this glorious award the rocker must have some sort of drug problem.  Not only did Iggy have multiple drug problems but it been rumored that the great David Bowie smuggled him cocaine while he was checked into a mental institution.  This man is over 60 and still rockin’ with a ripped physique to scare any German in his path.  His 1980’s album is perfectly titled as he is a “Soldier”
Watch this Video and you will see why the American’s won the War:

@ZackTeibloom Iggy pop is a basterd. No doubt. He tells a fan he bets “he’d like to fuck bowie and he’s a double asshole with a double little set of little pink titties and no mind at all.” Then spits in his face.  He never wears a shirt. He loves taking off his pants. His arms scream “stop putting needles in me!” He currently fronts the advertising campaign for an UK-based online insurance company. Wait a second. Read that last sentence again. He does advertising. For an insurance company. He’s alive and doing advertising. That’s not a true bastard. Sid Vicious couldn’t even live to see the 80s.
Iggy Pop may be the godfather of punk and the inventor of stage diving, but he’s just not the basterd The Sex Pistols are. He does advertising. He shows up to his gigs. On time! He fulfills record contracts. He was in the fucking Rugrats Movie! I’m sorry. He’s just not the biggest basterd.

#1. The Sex Pistols (Submitted by Matt Kappel)
Ever hear of the Sex Pistols?  Johnny Rotten and Sid Vicious are the epitome of bastards.  Not only did they inspire and influence a whole style of music in their less than 3-year history, they managed to piss off thousands, destroy numerous hotels and become the poster boys of punk.  The Sex Pistols were what parents were afraid of.  The hard driven rock killed off softies and expressed new rage and energy for a generation full of angst.
Iggy Pop and those other posers don’t have shit on the Pistols. Vicious would have eaten Iggy alive if he only had a moment between writing political punk songs, pissing off the queen, pissing on the public and shooting up.  Rotten was nicknamed that purely cause of his hygiene.  Rotten introduced the band’s encore saying, “You’ll get one number and one number only ’cause I’m a lazy bastard” at a show in San Fran.The Pistols beat down a system that stressed school, good ethics and staying away from the wrong side of the tracks. They built a following on pure emotional rock, while the general public hated them yet remained popular a major icon within rock.
@ZackTeibloom Sounds like a winner to me. The Sex Pistols boasted two incredible basterds in Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten. Vicious didn’t want to live, Rotten thinks you can all go fuck yourselves.
On 24 February 2006, the Sex Pistols were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but they refused to attend the ceremony, calling the museum “a piss stain.” They put out one album after dicking two labels over and getting paid for doing nothing. They were an incredibly influential band despite their incredibly short career.

“Sid Vicious couldn’t play bass. He didn’t play on “Never Mind the Bollocks.” His bass was unplugged during most of his lives shows. He wasn’t involved with writing any of the Pistols music. When he joined the Sex Pistols it was the beginning of the end for a once promising band.” The man didn’t even want to live. He killed his girlfriend and then tried to kill himself. “I stabbed her, but I didn’t mean to kill her”, then saying he didn’t remember and at one point arguing she had fallen onto the knife.” To celebrate his getting out on bail, his own mother had heroin delivered. He overdosed that night. They found this suicide note: “We made a death pact, and I have to accomplish my part of the deal. Please bury me next to my baby. Please bury me with my leather jacket, my jeans and my biker boots. Goodbye. With love, Sid.

Johnny Rotten is still alive and not well. The man who once said, “If you give me the chance, I’ll destroy America for you.” In January 2004, Lydon appeared on the British reality show I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” and called the show’s viewers “fucking cunts” during a live broadcast. And he’s still a god damn Basterd today.

Kappel- You win the Bowie vinyl and an Inglourious Basterds poster.

Hagel- For coming in a close second, you get the Inglourious Basterds soundtrack on CD. Hurray for basterds!

Beck- Thanks for the entry. Please don’t puke immediately. At least you got a free plug out of this.

3 Responses

  1. Rob Said,

    Lou Reed or Gene Simmons. Beastie Boys are too nice. You want drugs, Lou reed is all over that like white on rice. Plus, Gene Simmons come complete with a Kiss army.

    Posted on September 1st, 2009 at 1:26 pm

  2. teibs Said,

    I agree, Rob. Lou Reed and Simmons are both much bigger basterds than The Beastie Boys. They’re soft. Where was your entry?

    Posted on September 1st, 2009 at 3:48 pm

  3. Festival Crashers » Blog Archive » Festival Crashers 1,000th Post Said,

    […] The Most Inglorious Basterd of All: Iggy Pop or The Sex Pistols. I bet neither would accept the award. […]

    Posted on March 9th, 2010 at 10:15 am

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