Thursday, June 29, 2017

The Wildest Things of All

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Posted by teibs On October - 8 - 2009

wildthings1@ZackTeibloom I practically had to beg you to enter this contest, but you finally came up with some good stories. It came down to two naked festival-goers. How appropriate. We had an appearance from Ronnie Woo Woo, a shoeless wonder and one stranger sent in this video, which is moderately funny but her explanation was lame.

Sami sent in a story of the tornado at Summer Camp ’06, but there was no wild thing. Just a rambling mess of a story of the tornado-ravaged festival that didn’t hold a candle to my sister’s legendary tale of the same festival*. Here’s the thing. Sami can’t write about the wild things. She is a wild thing. Let’s get it on:

The runner-ups:

4. Brett (@Snoogans913)

Entry: Smoking a bowl at Ezra Furman & The Harpoons on Saturday morning when the one and only Ronnie Woo Woo walks by. I panicked, and before I could muster up the courage to offer him a hit, the man said his ‘Woo!’ and moved on. Fail!

FC reaction: First off, I’m jealous Brett made it to the Ezra Furman Saturday morning show. One of my many Lolla ’09 regrets. As for Ronnie Woo Woo, he is most certainly a wild thing, but I don’t think giving that man more drugs is a good idea. All he’s good for is grabbing asses and posing for pics with. You’re better off leaving that Wild Thing alone.

#3 Michelle W. sent us this one from Lolla ’06. She really captures that after festival feeling I felt after day two of ACL… Also, crossing Michigan Avenue after a vicious headliner (see RHCP ’07 or RAGE ’08) is a wonderful experience. The whooping, the hollering. It’s electric. On to the story…

When we were leaving and waiting to cross at Michigan Ave I spotted a confused looking guy dressed in a preppy polo and nice khaki shorts.  I thought I could help him seeing as he was probably just a kid from the North Shore unsure about how to get home.  Then I looked down and saw he had only one shoe on.  So I asked him if he needed directions and he was unable to put together a coherent thought.  Then I asked, “Do you know where your other shoe is?”  And his reply: “No, do you?”

#2. Hodge (@rchodgkinson) sent this bad boy in. It was a very close second. He set it up well. The Matt Forte description probably pushed Shore to want to vote for it, but when it came down to it, this naked man was more “How I Met Your Mother” style naked man* than wild festival being like the winning story.

So I wasn’t really sure what story to share for this contest.  I could talk about drug use, hooking up with chicks, or insane dance parties; but i decided to pick something that was fresh in my memory.  It was day 1, Lollapalooza 2009, and my friends and I were waiting to meet up with some friends so we could check out Crystal Castles when out of no where we see this fellow dancing towards us. Within seconds a huge circle had formed and this dude became the most popular guy in the field.

Warning: THERE IS FULL FRONTAL MALE NUDITY (cock)

Obviously dubbed “Naked Man” he continued to dance in the mud for a good 15-20 minutes before security showed up.  When “Naked Man” noticed the police, something must have clicked in that head full of acid, and he lead security on a pretty hilarious chase.  He was running in circles while the police tried to detain him and put a garbage bag over his nude body.  It was fucking hysterical watching three police chase this naked acid head around a muddy field. Dude probably thought he was on mars, but he was cutting a juking like Matt Forte running through a defensive backfield.  Eventually they caught him, which resulted in a mass “taze him bro” chant from the crowd.  He probably spent the night in jail, and wasn’t allowed to return to Lollapalooza for days 2 and 3, but I’m sure he realizes he left his mark, and truly showed that the Wild Things were alive and well at Lollapalooza 2009.

The Winner: @Tabithasofia

So get this. I’m swaying to The Dead, enjoying “Loose Lucy” and my new friend’s bowl, when i feel something cold and plastic, something rough, and some skin glide against my leg. Looking down, I saw a wook, naked but only for a South American style poncho covered in rasta paint (his head was green, his arms yellow, and his hips, member, ass and legs red), slither right by me and set up shop on the blanket near me. He rolled around the blanket, breathed like a fish out of water, and then quickly got right back onto his belly and slithered to the next blanket.

Telling my friend I would find her via text, I proceeded to follow the naked-but-for-a-poncho-rasta snake man as he did this on every single blanket he came across. My friend and I were fairly close to the stage, and I followed him all the way to the top of the hill (the main stage at Rothbury was enclosed by a hill) by the Rothbury R, a clear diagonal line from where I started. Rasta Snake Man then chose to run down the hill, out of the main stage space, and from what I imagine, found himself in the Sherwood Forest at dusk.

*Seriously, best festival story ever. As her older brother I shouldn’t be as proud of it as I am, but I’m all about a good festival story. I live for this shit.

**Let me clarify. “How I Met Your Mother” naked man is used as a last resort to get a girl when it’s not gonna happen. This guy was clearly just tripping balls, but stumbling in circles isn’t Wild. At least not wild enough.

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