Wednesday, February 20, 2019

The Bris Mix

Posted by teibs On November - 18 - 2009

bris1@ZackTeibloom When I saw Sugar and Gold play “Slice me Nice” at Fun Fun Fun Fun Fest, I thought “Wow, that would be perfect for a bris mix.” If you don’t know, a bris is the ceremony when a jewish family comes together on the 8th day of a young man’s life to cut the foreskin off his penis. Such an event should have music! (Real quick- who is this asian girl at the bris throwing up the rock sign and why isn’t she my BFF?!)

I’ll tell you a couple things about Bris’. There aren’t many things more embarrassing than someone telling you “You know, I was at your bris.” What they’re really saying is “I was at an event you couldn’t possibly remember and I’ve seen your penis. When it was really, really small.” Good times. Also, in college my roommate and I joked that we would start a “bris bus.” It would be like bang bus, but instead of paying women to have sex, we’d perform bris’. We’d also have a brisket bus that would have questionable meat. I know. I’m really ridiculous.

Anyway, here’s the mix. It’s not set in stone. I hope not to have a son for, at the very least, five years so let me know if you have other songs to throw in the mix. L’CHAIM!

Track 1: “Circle of Life” from the Lion King soundtrack

It’s almost too obvious, isn’t it? But how funny will it be when we walk the young male Teibloom child (a player to be named later) into the room, hold him above our heads lion king style and hand him off to the Monkey (Moyel*) Is there anyone in the room not chanting the African “Naaaaaaa Sembenya. Ba Ba dee. Tee ba ba” with a huge smile on their face? OK, possibly some confused bubby’s**.

Track 2: “Don’t do it” by The Band (suggested by @samifest)

We set him down, get the tools out, get him all set to get trimmed and the kid makes one last desperate call to stop the madness. C’mon, pops. I’m only 8 days old. What could I have possibly done wrong?!

Key line: “I’ve been trying to do my best. You know I tried to do my best. Don’t do it.”

Track 3: “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Johnny Cash

This is where it gets serious. The Man in Black is coming and he’s going to cut your penis. On that note, how scared would you be if Johnny Cash was your Moyel and he was doing the chop with a guitar string? Either way, I’d be shaking in my footy pajamas if I heard this song right before I was about to have my junk cut. Sorry, little man.

Key line: “Sooner or later, gotta cut you down.”

Track 4: “Slice Me Nice” by Sugar and Gold

The mood is a little somber after the man in black insisted he had to cut you down. We need a fun, dancey tune to make our bris boy feel comfortable. There’s something soothing about Sugar and Gold. They’ll slice you nice. At least it will get a little horah going.

Key line: “It’s time for action, baby, cut me in two. Slice me nice. S-L-I-C-E, slice me nice.”

Track 5: “Cry Baby” by Janis Joplin

Uh oh. Say goodbye to foreskin and the possibility of smegma! Nothing you can do but cry at this point, little man. At least the Rabbi will put a little wine on your tongue.

Track 6: “Detachable Penis” by Supernatural

This is the punk’d part of the mix where we make the dude think he no longer has a penis at all. He’ll be lying there, unable to lift his head, scared out of his mind! We’re so cruel.

Key line: “I really don’t like being without my penis for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man.”

Track 7: “Kooks” by David Bowie At this point, the kid’s going to be horrified. I mean, his parents are cutting his dick off and then playing jokes about it. I know you think this kid will have no idea what’s going on, but I could read when I was 2, so odds are this kid’s gonna be all over it at eight days. Anyway, this song is meant to chill him out. Look, we know we’re kooks. Just accept it and know our hearts are in the right place.

Key line: “Soon you’ll grow, so take a chance with a couple of kooks hung up on romancing.”

Track 8: “My Dick” by Mickey Avalon (suggested by @mattsilver)

After the family leaves to head to the luncheon, my boys and I stay back with the little man and blast this for him to make him confident in his recently trimmed junk. He needs to know he’s packin’

Key line: “My dick need no introduction. Your dick don’t even function. My dick served the whole luncheon. Your dick look like a munchkin.”

And then we’d go to the luncheon. L’Chaim! Seriously, someone remind me of this mix years from now. Or better yet, make it and bring it.

Didn’t “make the cut”

Sheryl Crow “The First Cut is the Deepest” You’d think this song would be perfect. The older ladies would love them some Sheryl, even the shiksas. Sadly the song is just a love song and thought the title rings so true, it doesn’t quite work.

*The guy who does the dick cutting (for the goys)

**Jewish grandmother (for the goys)

5 Responses

  1. you know who Said,

    There is a video of ZHT’s bris, shot by professional cinematographers. Should it be destroyed?

    Posted on November 19th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

  2. cousin T Said,

    I hope you plan to have this mix ready for my kid’s bris… assuming I have a kid some time soon, and it’s a boy of course.

    Will our family members in attendance appreciate it? Maybe not…

    Posted on November 19th, 2009 at 2:02 pm

  3. teibs Said,

    haha, thanks Dad. I was going to bring that up. I’d say save it, but I can’t imagine I’ll ever be able to stomach watching it. I remember the music played during it was nothing like this mix I put together.

    Posted on November 19th, 2009 at 2:17 pm

  4. teibs Said,

    Torrey- I’ll adjust the mix for your kid, cause you’re taste is different than mine, but I’ll make it work. :-)

    Posted on November 19th, 2009 at 3:30 pm

  5. Festival Crashers » Blog Archive » Festival Crashers 1,000th Post Said,

    […] The Bris Mix Feel free to use this when your favorite 8-day old gets the trim. […]

    Posted on March 10th, 2010 at 11:13 am

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