Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Unsuccessful Crash #1: Doug Benson

Posted by teibs On March - 11 - 2010

doug@ZackTeibloom It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just didn’t see it going down like this. @Chrisinaustin insisted on going to see @DougBenson a year after we’d seen him do a quick set at Velveeta Room last SXSW. I happily obliged. We had a couple sandwiches, a PBR and played an epic overtime game of NFL Blitz on N64 and headed to Cap City. I’ll tell you this right now. Comedy clubs are not at all conducive to crashing. What makes crashing easy is that for most venues, once you’re in, you’re in. You get past a line or two of security and there’s no looking back. But like Alamo Drafthouse, Cap City checks your tickets once you’re seated, and if you’re not on your game, you’re screwed. I guess you could say, I was gonna crash Doug Benson, but then I … got denied.

I mulled the lobby looking at signed pictures of comedians who have been there, until the time was right. I easily got past the door guy when he went to escort a group to their seats and found a seat with Chris and a couple friends. I knew they’d come by to check our tickets, but had a plan. Not the most inventive plan, but I’d go to the bathroom when they came by. I figured they’d scoop the tickets and I’d be good to go. I went to the bathroom prematurely to check the route and came back. Our table had a  few tables on either side, so I figured I’d have a heads up when the ticket taker came by to make my move. I figured wrong.

For a reason I can’t figure out, the “security guard” made a beeline to my table. I use quotes, because based on his demeanor and shirt, it was obvious he was a hopeful comedian who had to earn his keep by checking tickets. Anyway, this guy comes up and notices we only have three tickets. I was forced to give an explanation, so I went with “I was here earlier to hold the table and the guy at front took my ticket.” He knew I was lying because no one takes your ticket. It just sits there. Like my lie.

I’ve said this before, but if you’re ever caught in a lie, you move on. Quickly. They know you’re lying and you’re not gonna talk your way out of it. You ideally don’t want to see that person again the rest of your crash so you make a quick escape and avoid eye contact. If I’m gonna get busted, it’s not gonna be by a guy like that* I walked out, but he followed me. I wasn’t running or anything. Just walking away. As I got to the front door, he told the staff “We’ve got a sneaker**”

I stepped into the parking lot to contemplate my options. Normally I’d just walk right back in and avoid that comedian/bouncer, but this place was too well lit, too small and quite frankly I didn’t care that much. I called Andy and told him the streak was over. I tried to justify it. Would I have even written a “Successful Crash #29: Doug Benson” post? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s comedy. I told Andy it was the Olympics of crashing (in that it didn’t count toward my regular season stats) but that’s when I knew it was an official fail. I only make excuses when I know I’m wrong.

I kinda had fun in the parking lot. Andy and I talked for about 40 minutes, brainstorming the SXSW 65 and I watched the most random Tae-Kwon-Do class of all time. Seriously, I think someone said “Go find the 12 most diverse people you can find in terms of age, sex and gender. We shall Tae-Kwon-Do together***!

So, the streak’s over. I can no longer sing “I. Will. Not. Lose. Ever. Put somethin’ on it.” like Jay-Z. There’s a kink in my armor.

Lets put things in perspective:

  • Celtics consecutive NBA titles: 8
  • Colts regular season win streak: 23
  • My undefeated crash streak: 28
  • Joe Dimaggio hit streak: 56

Pretty good company. I outdid the Colts, (Sorry, Bryn) but was only half way to DiMaggio. If you’re thinking 28 crashes has nothing on 8 straight titles, well, I agree. I just liked the feeling of having an impressive 8 in there.**** After waiting in the parking lot for an hour, Chris laughed at me and drove me home. What did I do? I “crashed” a bowl of my roommate’s leftover casserole. I needed the rush, but felt compelled to clean the caked-on food from the tray for him. I’m not that much of a dick.

Thankfully SXSW will provide many more opportunities to crash and last time I checked, we have NO passes for any festivals this summer. As long as there aren’t any more damn comedy clubs, this season of crashing looks promising as ever.

*I know. I know. I wanted the clip of Ferris saying that to the camera, but it’s not online. God knows I checked. Though I stumbled on this absolute gem. Seriously, I’ve watched this “He’s Always Abe Froman” song 7 times at least today. Check it out.

**I wanted to yell “I’m a fucking crasher, not a sneaker, you wanna-be comedian!” At least let me go down in glory.

***And by Tae-Kwon-Do, I mean running around in-between cones. Serious WTF.

****Yeah, that’s what she said.

1 Response

  1. BC Said,

    Even MJ’s Bulls had to lose eventually, right? And you better be going to Bonnaroo this year, I want to get a whole van of people together for the Ultimate ‘Roo Roadtrip!

    Posted on March 11th, 2010 at 3:23 pm

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