@ZackTeibloom SXSW has come and passed and we lived to tell about it, somehow. Looking back, you people just wouldn’t quit your bitching no matter how many endless opportunities were there for you. I mean, this was a week of incredible entertainment of all kinds, endless free drinks and food and all you could manage to tell the world was how you were standing in a line. For fucks sake. The quote on the Statue of Liberty says,”Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Sounds a lot like SXSW tweeters. Tired masses, yearning to breathe free drinks and shows. Good lord did you have things to bitch about. The lines, the out-of-towners, how SX used to be cool, inanimate objects, the lines, how your phone is dying, Kanye, Fuck Vevo, and even whine-ing about the whine-ing. Let’s start with that. You whiney, shit heads, you.
Whine about the Whine
Let’s kick it off with Black Joe Lewis. It’s a really great band in Austin. They seem less than thrilled to welcome out-of-towners. God forbid they get some more fans:
RT @blackjoelewis: Gettin ready for the worst week of my fuckin life. There’s a lot of characters in town this week
H another guy who’s fresh to Austin and is ready to be one of those kinds of people who brags about their zip code:
Hasn’t stopped you before RT @shueytexas: I’ve lived here 14 months. Can I whine about out-of-towners yet?
Jenn’s pretty excited to come up with a new hash tag. She tweeted this a couple days into this account being created. I’ll un-thank you now:
Oh yeah? Pretty sure ya didn’t. RT @JennBrownFilm: Why, yes, I just coined the term #sxswhine #sxsw #thankmelater
Reactions to the account were mixed:
Some people enjoy it. Some whine more RT @lhdumitru: I got RT’d by @sxswhine…not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but i’m thinking not
I honestly don’t even know what this tweet is trying to say, but I think he’s whine-ing:
RT @richardgallegos: sxsw lame. too cool for the friends that matter. as usual times two to your favorite blog.
At least these conscious whines were amusing:
RT @TheEasternSea: I so tired of not being retweeted by @sxswhine #sxsw #meta
Meta whine: RT @TerrisLinenbach: Who gives a shit if you give a shit about people who give a shit about #SXSW
The Air Sucks- These assholes hate everything and will never be happy. I assume. They were clearly here for SXSWi and their nerd tendencies are coming up a bit strong. It’s not good for them to be out of their homes this long.
On the plus side, my body forgot what it’s like to breathe real air, and is actively rejecting it. #sxsw
It’s you. RT @BearOnTheRun: I don’t remember #sxsw smelling like vomit smothered asshole.
Did @bearontheRun show up? RT @benkepes: Um…. this #sxsw party really smells bad…
RT @slaughter90210: SXSW made me realize there are very few things worth waiting on line for–not free food or booze, certainly not a party.
What a nightmare RT @sherylyulin: I have no idea how I am going to fit all this swag in my bag. #sxsw
RT @ClementineNYC: In the theater do not order onion or mac and cheese motherfuckers it smells !!! #sxswhine
Yah, guys. Never again! RT @ClementineNYC: My friend was just bitten by a huge WASP inside Alamo theater : DONT go there#sxsw
RT @PamTwitted: Sore feet, calf spasm,full belly and brain = homebound from #sxsw for tonight
That couldn’t make less sense. RT @ericfleming: #SXSW; the place where the beer’s not free enough.
So much for daoism… RT @daoism: #sxsw keynote: “be authentic. Show thought leadership. Transpar”… blah barf gag
RT @shirley_beans: This flight hasn’t even taken off and already they’re talking about must-see-bands. Ughghhgh #sxsw
RT @MikeRozycki: Oh, and #SXSW music people really need to step it up a notch. Bushleague, guys. Come to win.
RT @tamaslocher: too much noise #sxsw
Lines = Whines It makes sense that the most whines were about lines. People get in a line and have nothing better to do than to bitch about it. I have a couple thoughts. First off, tweet effectively. Say something like “Pure Volume line took half hour, but at least it’s moving. Getting longer now.” Give information. These tweets provide nothing. Except Sean O’Neal’s. And he still decided to be snarky. Second
Yup. $3.39 a gallon for the line. Wait, What?! RT @Gotyalookn: I bet the line to see Kanye is as high as gas prices
S(Whine)X(whine)S(whine)W(hine) RT @zachpollakoff: LineXLineW #SXSW
RT @defunkt: Mobile apps are such a hit at sxsw because what else is there to do when you spend most of your time waiting in lines
Whines. Whines. Whines. RT @seanew15: Lines. Lines. Lines.#sxsw
RT @hipsterrunoff: Just saw a pack of irrelevant bloggers who were furious that they were told to ‘wait in line like every one else.’ #sxsw
Unibomber on 6th RT @Merredith: The lines are silly. You could put a serial killer in a bar w/ free drinks – line’d be around block. #SXSW
I’m in the line too. Try “conversation” RT @TweeterTots: Hey MTV, learn how to entertain your lines. This blows. #sxswhine
The MTV Woodies #sxsw line is rockin’ RT @shivvy: They’ve been squealing, shouting & generally being annoying for like 2 hrs now.
And again… RT @ultra8201: Playing angry birds with @candice_brooke at the woodies. Or should I call them the waities….
Everyone is complaining about the “lines” RT @5thchildmusic: I’ve never seen coke snorted so casually before. #sxsw
RT @seanoneal: Took 90 minutes for PureVolume to get through ~ 25 people. I’d wish PV to go out of business if I knew what it does.#sxsw
Yeah, whining. RT @damjanov: Is anybody here at #SXSW doing something that doesn’t involve standing in a line?
You must be hot, wearing those Uggs- I made a tweetdeck column of “SXSW ugh” to find these winners.
She says what we’re all thinking RT @chelseD: ugh i hate myself.#sxsw
“Ugh you can add my “i just made an ass of myself to the guy from !!!” to the sxswhine……shite” -text I received.
RT @kaitlinmaud: @sxswi I want this half hour of my life back. Ugh.#sxsw #kickass
He may now… RT @Fasshonaburu: Ugh saw my old evil boss at#sxsw a zillion people here and I see him. Don’t think he recognizes me
Mean Boys- I was especially mean to these jokers, but it was so easy.
Only if you use $90 for Hooked on Phonics RT @ClomeMalone: I look fucking great in a cowboy hat. Who whats to donate me ninety bucks? #Sxsw
Much like hooking up with Dent… RT @dentmay: fun at first, leaves a bad taste in your mouth. #sxsw
Why bother ever waking up? Might as well give up… RT @dweingrod: Ugh sxsw time change night. Why even bother with 9:30 panels tomorrow
Douche- Everyone who isn’t me is a douche.
Honeys on your left. Put ’em both together, we can party all night! RT @gabriellearon: Douche bag home boys to my right #faderfort#sxsw
So they’re “douche bags” RT @titsmcgee19: Just saw my face in the mirror and noticed these bags under my eyes. They look pretty douchey.
RT: @violetblue Fleeing #SXSW tech parties of such massive fratboy/fratgirl douchebaggery I want to stab my eyes out with golf pencils.
What is SXSW? There were literally dozens of these coming through the #sxsw stream. They all drove me nuts, but none more than this one. She made a hashtag instead of looking it up. Be lazier. Please.
Creating a hash tag was easier than googling? GOOGLE RT @ElielLyn3: Can somebody PLEASE tell me what #SXSW is?#SoConfusedAndOutOfTheLoop
Celebs- You had to know Michael Ian Black would whine a lot. I only captured a couple of them. Surprisingly, Doug Benson took a minute away from getting high and not being funny to whine about all the free alcohol and movies that he didn’t “love.”
RT @DougBenson Finally saw a movie at #SXSW that, to put it delicately, was not my cup of tea. Because it was a cup of shit. #WithOnlyOneGirl #DLM
Wait a few days RT @michaelianblack: Never realized how much I dislike music until hanging out in Austin, Texas during #sxsw.
Poor dougie RT @DougBenson: Please stop buying me shots, Austin. I want to remember my time here. And my name. #SXSWhat
RT @DougBenson: Can’t wait for 2:15am Fri., when streets of Austin will flood w/ vomit. I love the smell of sausage and puke in the morning.
RT @jackcuellar: THAT IS NOT AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR, @tedleo! #BrokenPromises
Ahem, @jackcuellar RT @tedleo: @sxswhine I never said “acoustic,” I always said “solo” and usually add “electric” Blame someone else, Whiny!
To explain, Jack whine’d about Ted Leo. We RT’d and Ted Leo thought we were the whiners.
Used to be Cool- When I started coming to SX, no show had more than 40 people
RT @jamesoliphant: Not to sound like just another aged hipster, but I do remember when #SXSW was cool.
RT @valstreit: What happened to #sxsw? It’s infiltrated by furries and booth babes? #sxswi
Really? That’s what you chose to whine about? Really?
No mmm’ing. No bop’ing. Frowny face, indeed. RT @marialikesmex: missing #hanson at #sxsw
Try “tipping” RT @andrew_j_rosas: Hey Austin, let’s work out a secret handshake so us locals don’t get charged $5 for Shiner. How ’bout it?
All by myseeeeelf. Don’t wanna be… RT @chlooeeee_: So ready to go home. Tired of feeling like I’m here at #SXSW by myself.
How dare kids try to enjoy music? The nerve! RT @SideOneTrackOne: Just saw a kid with his own platinum badge.#stupid
HA! breathe RT @SideOneTrackOne: He was 10! You make me me feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Now excuse me, I’ve run out of the room crying
Not Hacker Dojo!! RT @dustball: Lots of #SXSW people are home#sick “Cough by Coughwest” I might even have to miss Hacker Dojo happy hour
Night, champ RT @cswanger: dragonslayer? #sxsw #ugh I’ll be asleep in 5 minutes, so checking out. Rather sleep in bed than a Paramount seat
Alicia contending for whine MVP RT @aliciacorbett: Someone please save me from this LA douche bag next to me at the bar.#sxswareyouoveryet
How will you survive? RT @LeAnn: I’m at a party for #SXSW and they are serving warm fruity martini’s. #grossgrossgross
RT @ngoodey: The next time I go to #SXSW I must remember to bring a sherpa. Powerbooks carried for a day can get heavy.
RT @Andylanger: Just ate on 6th. Waiter was snooty+dismissive until he figured out we’re townies. Who mistreats tourists in this economy?
Twitter sucks today, huh. If only there was other entertainment… RT @rideincircles: Twitter sucks today. Saw the strokes and Moby.#sxsw
@jenniferzhenyu: I’ve made up my mind, #sxsw is too stressful.#ACL for the friggin’ win.
James Blake & Kanye & Jack White & …. RT @zachpollakoff: I can’t wait to make a top 10 list of bands I wanted to see but didn’t see. #sxsw
Inanimate Objects – I like to blame wristbands and phones for my bad time
Yeah, suck it, inanimate object! How dare you be on me?! RT @sailorlegs: And I said fuck you to my ifc wristband.#worstwristbandever
RT @eachnotesecure: #sxswi folks, I know you had fun, but wearing your badge at the airport doesn’t get you any more swag
You should be tripping over free food. FAIL RT @y2kemo: It took me an 1 hour to find a place to eat. AN HOUR! #starving #sxsw
RT @kimmediately: Music wristband is made of the hardest plastic ever. Already driving me nuts and I’ve only had it on a few hours#sxswhine
Please tell me you understand how ridiculous it is to use the remaining part of your dying cell battery to tweet about how it’s dying…
Battery almost dead. I know what to do about it! RT @ultra8201: Oh hey there 20% battery life remaining warning!#stoptextingme“whereyouat?”
RT @kellyarobinson: “20% Battery remaining.” shiit. #SXSw
Business cards are OVER
Who will never call you… RT @teritheberry: I swear #sxsw is just a week to give my number out to a bunch of complete strangers.
Business cards shouldn’t exist RT @teritheberry: and I don’t want them to. Last thing I need is some homeless guy named Pee Wee calling me.
RT @ulovei: Just received about 15 business cards that will go into my “see you next year at sxsw” pile.
Get. Me. Outta. Here.
Fuck the fuckin fucksticks right in thier fuckspot RT @FiestaFlores: Wish a lot of these lousy fucks would get the fuck out of Austin.
Goodbye Kris & thx for all the 4 square check-ins no one cared about RT @youmansrules: goodbye austin and thanks for all the traffic #sxsw
Oh, honey RT @jamberahmed: SOOOO Over #SXSW. Can’t wait to get out of this town/ traffic jam.
Kanye’s Beautiful Dark Twisted Nightmare
Sounds like a beautiful, dark twisted nightmare RT @LisaPastor: missed the kanye signup…what is wrong with me?! #sxswhine
Ya can’t even spell sxsw. Wasting time. RT @ddelacorte: Still in line for Kanye, hoping I’m not wasting my time. I’m hungry damn it.#swsx
Thanks for all the whines. Let’s send it home with these two…
Don’t move here RT @Lolitamusic_mx: People in Austin DO NOT know how to drive….and Bikes.everywhere. ugh.#imarunoveryoubitch
RT @kellyhclay If I never come back to #sxsw it will be too soon. #iwanttogohome