@ZackTeibloom After an easy crash on day one of Lollapalooza and an exhausting run around on day two, I was regretting the crash for day 3. Brett was a fun crash partner for two days of crashing, but my wise young crashing friend acquired a free Sunday pass from a guy on the train, leaving me to crash alone.

It rained in the morning, prompting me to leave my sunglasses and sunblock at home and take a sweatshirt and a hat. I’d regret that later. I did the same walk around as the day before, and there was no crashing to be had. The rain and lack of people trying to get in at once made the expertly placed security ready for all crashers. That’s why god invented the pass back. Read the rest of this entry »

@ZackTeibloom If at the exact moment Blues Traveler is playing “Run Around” and a lane opens up that would just be a 40 yard dash running around the check in and you still can’t crash, it’s a sign you’re in for a long day of crashing. We tried every entrance before our opportunity finally presented itself Saturday. On Friday I had @snoogans913 crashing with me. Saturday I brought Smoosh along as well. A menage a crash. Not the most ideal situation. Especially on a day where the crowd didn’t seem to come in packs.

Brett got their early and told us to meet him at the side entrance. Not a good call. Five blocks out of the way and far too much security. Could we just walk in the entrance despite their being more security than people? Not so much. It felt like we each had our own security guard watching us. Did it stop me from trying three times? Of course not. I got escorted away mumbling about media check in. Having verified that entrance as a bust, we walked three blocks in the wrong direction as Snoogans and smoosh talked about jumping a fence on Lakeshore Drive.

“I don’t do crazy tactics. You don’t jump fences!” Read the rest of this entry »

@ZackTeibloom I filmed this crash and brought an accomplice. A lot to bring to the table for a fest I’ve never crashed before. The only good news is that day passes don’t get wrist bands, so if @snoogans913 and I could make it past two rounds of security, we were in. I’d like to say we had a better plan.

I got to the gates around 10:30 a.m., half hour before they opened, and made the rounds. I saw potential for my old tricks. The garbage men looked like they could be bought off, but it was too early in the day, and the head of security was telling them to stand guard as a third line of defense to fend off potential crashers. As if the first two lines weren’t enough. Sometimes it’s just easier to walk right in the front door. Read the rest of this entry »

@ZackTeibloom A band with a song on their new album called “Crash Years” is just begging for a crash, aren’t they? Well, that’s why I’m here. It wasn’t the first time I’ve crashed a New Pornographers show. They weren’t leaving unattended badges at the check-in this time. I had to try a new tactic.

“Woo, Dodos! The New Pornographers suck!” I walked up to Stubbs yelling this, hoping fans of the opening band would reveal themselves on their way out and hand over their red Stubbs wrist bands. I hadn’t seen a red wristband at Stubbs before. In my pocket I had a full double rainbow of wristbands, with an orange, brown, two shades of green, yellow, pink, blue, etc. Apparently my double rainbow wasn’t full, since I had no red.

I did a lap around the perimeter and, I gotta say, Stubbs does a real strong job guarding their exits. An armada of guards at the front, multiple check points at the restaurant entrance, and even the barbed wire fence has a back-up guard. You could attempt to sneak in by the port-o-poty’s where the barbed wire fence needs mending, but that’s just asking to be seen. The bottom line is that you need a wristband, and I didn’t have one, so I had to find someone who did. Read the rest of this entry »

@shiftywhiteguy:  Zack and I have had several conversations about the feasibility of crashing Bonnaroo, and unequivocally, we determined it was a pipe dream.  There are only three entrance points, and you don’t even get to the campgrounds unless you go through a checkpoint manned by an inordinate number of people in neon shirts.  So attempting to walk through unnoticed is futile, not to mention that if successful, you’d only be at the campground at that point.  The Coffee County Police are also very intent that the other possible idea, skipping the fence, is not an option.  They have helicopters doing flyovers throughout the day, not to mention that it would be damn near impossible to sneak across the buffer zone lugging all the crap you have to bring for four days of Bonnaroo survival.

So, I didn’t go into B-roo intending on writing about an actual crash.  How silly of me.  I had forgotten rule number #31 of Bonnaroo survival:  Never underestimate the 75,000 people you are about to run into. Read the rest of this entry »

@ZackTeibloom I’m using costumes now. It was inevitable I guess. After  I tried the kick-off return for forty five minutes, but the defense was impenetrable. Trust me, I tried. The entrance all the way left was double teamed. The check in line on the right had a 400-pound guard who wouldn’t leave his post. I even sunk so low as to walk out to consider offering someone $20 for their ticket. I shouldn’t even admit that.

Quick tangent: I saw an old, probably homeless man with no teeth, (who seemed like he’d had no teeth for a while, because his lip had curled into his mouth pretty extensively) standing in front of the gates. He looked beyond confused, as if he knew other homeless guys were there to scalp tickets, but he didn’t know where to begin. As I started to announce I needed an extra, a group of guys approached and gave the homeless man their extra. He seemed stunned. He looked to me and wanted me to go with him so I went to the gate and pretended I was his grandson. It happened so fast I wasn’t sure what was really happening, but he went stumbling into the festival. I’m telling you this, you’d pay good money to see what happened to that guy the rest of the day. He had no idea where he was. Regardless, it was time to get extreme. I had to garbage-suit up! Read the rest of this entry »

@ZackTeibloom Looking at the 11 or so Jazz Fest guards in purple jerseys, I felt like I was trying to return a kick against the Minnesota Vikings. Fine, fine I’ll be Devin Hester in this example. The first line of defense was the 7 guards scanning tickets. Behind them a roaming 3-4-man walkie-talkie unit and occasionally a couple cops to … throw a flag? It hasn’t come to that yet.  I tried my hand at recreating Successful Crash #30, but the defense had a zone shifted that way and I didn’t have enough blockers.

That’s the key to the kick0ff return. You have to follow your blockers. It’s an odd game when neither your blockers nor the defenders know you’re playing, but it just means you have to be extra perceptive. Let’s start with the basics. You want a big rush of blockers, but it’s not just important that they’re there. They need to make a skinny block where they block the attention of the ticket scanner, but they need to leave enough room between you and the other guard so that you can hit the hole and take it to the house. Read the rest of this entry »

@ZackTeibloom Thursday of the second weekend at Jazz Fest is always the least crowded. It’s great for getting from stage to stage, but makes crashing a lot harder. I got to the entrance a little before noon and noticed there were about 8 ticket takers and none seemed overwhelmed in the half hour I was scoping them out. I mention this, because usually you can waltz through the out door with no one paying attention, but so few people were going in the fest that I had to sidle my way in.

I leaned against the fence and pretended to be on my phone. OK I was actually on the phone, tweeteing “The moment right before a crash and getting pulled over by a cop feel identical. One happening this second. One happened last night…” The only difference is getting pulled over by a cop is torture and the moment before a crash is an absolute thrill. Read the rest of this entry »

@ZackTeibloom I was worried we’d have to sneak in every day. At least we had a man on the inside. Two actually. Rob and Andy both bought tickets, so we figured maybe if we printed an extra out, they wouldn’t check. We convinced Matt to go at the last second and made sure he didn’t bring his own car so he wouldn’t puss out. He almost did anyway.

I hoped that a separate person would scan the ticket from the person putting the wrist band on. No such luck. But there was a catch. They didn’t scan the tickets. Not all of them. That was the key. Only half the people who scan your 3-day print out had scanners. Some just folded the piece of paper up and put it away. It didn’t matter that two Rob Shore’s were on the print-out in a row. She wasn’t looking.

As always, the key was finding the hole in security. We may have been able to walk by, but getting the wristband was massive. It makes today and tomorrow a breeze. We have the official wristband. I can’t even count it for #30 and #31 like I did for Jazzfest, because we’re no longer crashing. There’s a victory dance that’s been recorded. We’ll upload as soon as we can. Happy crashing.

@ZackTeibloom It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just didn’t see it going down like this. @Chrisinaustin insisted on going to see @DougBenson a year after we’d seen him do a quick set at Velveeta Room last SXSW. I happily obliged. We had a couple sandwiches, a PBR and played an epic overtime game of NFL Blitz on N64 and headed to Cap City. I’ll tell you this right now. Comedy clubs are not at all conducive to crashing. What makes crashing easy is that for most venues, once you’re in, you’re in. You get past a line or two of security and there’s no looking back. But like Alamo Drafthouse, Cap City checks your tickets once you’re seated, and if you’re not on your game, you’re screwed. I guess you could say, I was gonna crash Doug Benson, but then I … got denied. Read the rest of this entry »